Call me unskilled, bu-
You're unskilled.
Seriously, you're starting to get predictable now. As I was saying, call me unskilled but I find baking of any kind nearly impossible. I have convinced my partner that this is largely due to the fact that I don't have a gloriously retro Kitchen Aid sitting on the bench (hello Christmas present!) but truth be told you don't need one of these to make a packet cake which, as it turns out, is still beyond me.
I tried as a child to make packet cakes and muffins and was never very successful so gave up. Now in my adulthood I thought I'd give it another go, after all, I am something of a 'foodie' these days. I will let the photos take it from here...
1x Packet Mix. So far, so good.
Argh! STUPID. No calm down, just clean it up and move on.
And now to continue mixing.
wizz...
Yep. This time I really did lose my sh- cool. I lost my 'cool'.
What isn't shown in these photos is what happened to my delicate pale green singlet. Suffice to say it looked like I'd been idling outside a monkey cage for too long. I now wear the pristine apron I bought a while back. Learning: Aprons are not just accessories.
and bake...
OK so there's a bit of a crack in it but nothing the icing can't cover
Voila!
Oh.
Yep. I made my very own Cake Wreck. It was the kind of cake that was so bad people didn't just politely abstain from compliments, they felt compelled to tell me about how terrible it was. Most stuck to the same format:
- Describe a feature they found particularly abhorrent
"The icing tastes really oily!" - Tell me how having this experience has affected them adversely both in a physical and emotional sense
"At first I thought it was normal chocolate cake but then I realised the icing was oily and coating my mouth. It's such a disappointment. It's making me feel **smack of the lips twice while finding the words** ...thirsty. Really thirsty."
Naturally, I am expecting a subpoena any time soon. Actually, given that enough poor saps indulged to the point that at least half the cake was consumed I'm wondering whether they might not be better just going for a class action?
Did you learn most of what you know about law from Erin Brockovich?
pfft! No, I... its' a true story! An excellent and uplifting true story. No shame in it.
Anyway, after all of that I have come to the only sensible conclusion there is: packet mixes are impossibly flawed and I am not. As such I will be trying some baked goods from scratch. I will also get some waivers drawn up for people to sign before trying said goods. Stay tuned...
I invented this pasta the other night. It’s quick to make, rather nutritious (but don’t think too hard about that because it will spoil the fun) and delicious.
Conchiglie w Broccolini ‘Pesto’
Ingredients
5 tbs e.v. olive oil
1 eschalotte, diced
2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
1 bunch broccolini, roughly chopped
4 anchovy fillets (canned are better)
2 tbs parmesan cheese
4 tbs slivered almonds
3/4 cup of dried conchiglie (medium shell) pasta
Method
Toast the slivered almonds in a pan until brown and set aside in a small food processor for later.
Steam broccolini above salted boiling water (which can be used later for the pasta).
Meanwhile, put 2 tbs of olive oil, eschalotte and garlic in a pan and cook for about a minute. Add the anchovy fillets and continue to cook until they ‘dissolve’. Add the steamed broccolini to the pan and sauté for 1 or 2 minutes.
At this time add the pasta to the salted boiling water.
Put all the ingredients from the pan into the food processor with the toasted almonds and add the parmesan cheese. Pulse the blender full of ingredients for 10 seconds to combine before add the remaining olive oil and blending again until the mixture is smoother but still has some texture.
When the pasta is al dente, drain and combine with the sauce in the fry pan. Do this over a low heat until the temperature is to your liking.
Serve the lovely green shells with a fresh tomato salad seasoned only with olive oil, salt and pepper. This will provide a nice colour balance and some sweetness.
That wasn't very funny.
Well, you did make me commit to a food only blog. Besides, the recipe's actually very good. You don't need to hide behind humour when there's actual quality there.
I think I've just given too much away...
Ever felt hungry and lazy?
No
OK well you're perfect aren't you? Congratulations.
Anyway, the other day this happened to me and I wanted something as cheap and easy as a girl with low self esteem. When it came to the all important choice of where to go I was pleased to discover that our good friends at Time Out magazine had not only done the research for me but had also put it all online for my viewing pleasure. I clicked the link thinking whimsically, "hah they'll probably teach me about a few gems that have been hiding under my nose in my very own city. Isn't life funny..."
My first clue that something was awry was the categories: Under $5 then Under $6; followed by Under $9 and Under $10. What's that about? Surely their readers aren't so focussed that they couldn't have grouped them...
[Cue imagination sequence]
~
Dear Time Out,
I want something cheap to eat. Can you help?
Hungry
Sure thing Hungry! Just check out our list of restaurants that serve meals for less than $5!
That's too cheap.
No problem, we also have a list of places to eat for under $10!
That's too much. I don't want to go over $6
So you have $5.
Yes.
~
Hm... Oh well, unusual grouping methods aside let's see what they've got for us...
Under $5
Well it's a pie but for less than $5 what can you expect?
Under $6
What's that?
Oh here is the gem I was imagining! That's right, speed yourselves to Sydney because we live like kings!
Old pizza-flavoured rectangles with enormous chunks of raw green capsicum and miscellaneous green blobs scattered over the top can be purchased for less than $6! (but more than $5).
Speaking of service, by the look of this picture this excellent eatery will also haphazardly throw a knife and fork your way. BLAM enjoy your rectangle!
Well done Time Out magazine, your street wise detectives have out done themselves. Thank you for sharing these epicurean secrets with us all.
The day has come. I will now tell the tale of a Spanish-inspired Italian dish that turned into an Italian inspired Chinese dish with Spanish tendencies.
First things first, the recipe I concocted was thus:
Pea & Pecorino Ravioli w Chorizo & Vine Ripened Tomatoes
Ingredients
2 tbs e.v. olive oil
4 vine ripened tomatoes, diced & deseeded
1½ chorizo sausage cut into 2cm x 0.5cm strips
½ cup chopped fresh continental parsley
Wonton wrappers (40pkt)
1 egg white, lightly whisked
Pea filling:
240 gm (2 cups) frozen peas, defrosted
100 gm (2 cups) finely grated Pecorino
100 gm (½ cup) fat-reduced ricotta
1 (55gm) egg yolk
Method
For the filling, using a food processor, process peas until finely chopped. Add remaining ingredients and process until well combined. Season to taste with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper.
Place about 2 teaspoonfuls of the filling in the centre of a wonton wrapper and brush the edges with egg white. Top with another wonton wrapper. Press the edges together to seal. Place on a baking tray. Repeat with remaining wonton wrappers and ricotta mixture, placing the ravioli in a single layer on the tray.
For sauce, sauté chorizo until it colours, add diced tomatoes and warm through without it breaking down. Add parsley and turn off the heat.
Bring a large saucepan of water to the boil over high heat. Add one-quarter of the ravioli and cook for 2-3 minutes or until just tender. Use a slotted spoon to transfer to a serving plate & cover to keep warm. Repeat with remaining ravioli.
Combine sauce, olive oil and ravioli on a low heat stirring until sufficiently warmed and serve.
The problems I encountered were…
Size
The ravioli was freaking enormous, they looked like baby's pillows.
Eggsactly
There are twice as many eggs in pasta as wonton wrappers and as such there is a very different taste... Well let's face it, "as such" they're COMPLETELY different. They even look different. Instead of my ravioli looking like sprightly parcels of goodness they came out of the water looking like defeated amoebas. What I had created, in essence, was a giant pea-filled wonton. It tasted a bit wrong really.
The Nature of the Pea Wonton
My creation, as it turns out, mates for life. I was most unprepared for this but can't carry too much guilt as I wasn't to know. Such is the danger and excitement of creating new species.
Roll your eyes all you like but Dr Moreau would know just what I mean!
The giant pea wontons took every pathetic opportunity to seek one another out and cling, cling, cling with all their sheer skinned might. Nothing, not even oil could keep them parted.
Shambolic messes aside, the sauce and the filling were actually very good so I would make this dish again. Just no wonton wrappers this time. The end.
I'm back! I hope you were all able to suppress your anxious anticipation over the outcome of my recipe and get some sleep last night. Having said that, this isn't the ravioli-related post you've all been waiting for
- awwwwwwww-
I know, I know. It is tenuously related though so that's something, eh?
In my bid to eat dinner before midnight I elected to use wonton wrappers instead of making pasta from scratch. I -is that hissing I hear? Look, I have a full time job and it's a perfectly acceptable quick substitute (this is actually an insidious, wide-spread lie but I'll tell you about that in my next post) so please keep your sounds of disapproval to yourself. As I was saying, I chose to use wonton wrappers so skipped gleefully into my local Asian Grocer to purchase some on my way home. I stopped dead in my tracks, however, upon seething this:
You're thinking, "What? That's a perfectly reasonable price for Broiled Eel Witch Sauce"
No, my question isn't about the price, it is this: is the 'Eel Witch' the ingredient, or the creator?
Do I finally know the answer to what the colour of a broiled swamp witch is? (Brown by the way, a rather dark brown.) Do you think they use all of her or just some of the tastier parts? Which makes me think, is it going to taste of eel or does the name of this species have more theoretical origins?
If she’s the maker and not the ingredient, have I stumbled upon China's answer to Maggie Beer? - Oh you must try this Eel Witch pâté, it’s almost as good as her pretentious burnt fruit ice cream
Hm...
Oh happy day I have started a blog! First, let me pre-emptively answer any questions you'll have...
What is this blog about?
As the name suggests it's all about eating. I think. Let's just see how we go.
Perhaps it should be about eating and a fear of commitment?
OK then it's about eating. There, I've committed. It's about things I've cooked and things I've had cooked for me. You know, for an internal monologue you're quite harsh.
There are so many other food blogs on the internet already. How will your blog be different?
That's an excellent question. Have you any others?
Can I submit stories and pictures of strange and unusual findings from my own eating adventures?
Soitainly! I thought I was pretty avant guarde but just today I discovered an entire family of people that regularly eat mashed potato as a spread on toast! I declared this to be madness and enquired as to how it was any different to eating penne on toast? They told me that was madness because it would fall off the bread. Yesss... so with that logic anything that sticks to bread is a valid toast topping option. Annnyytthiiing...
Oh you totally thought of something crass then didn’t you? tsk. I meant... ah fine.
I thought that too. In summary, there is clearly far more experimentation going on out there than I was fully aware of so please to be sharing.
How did you come up with this highly original blog title?
You know what internal monologue? I'm going to upgrade you from harsh to rude. There, done. Consider yourself upgraded.
To be honest, all the food puns ranging from clever (whine instead of wine, oh mirth!) to cringingly obvious (thyme instead of time *shudder*) were taken. Eevverryy last one. I wanted a witty food pun though, I did. Please do not forsake my blog for its lack of a witty food pun title.
You got desperate and tried to incorporate the "thyme" pun in your title didn't you?
-
Thank you for reading this my very first entry! Tonight I am eating in and have devised an excellent (we'll see) recipe for ravioli inspired by the flavours of Spain.
How will it go? What is the recipe? Stay tuned to find out!
1x Packet Mix. So far, so good.
Argh! STUPID. No calm down, just clean it up and move on.
And now to continue mixing.
Yep. This time I really did lose my sh- cool. I lost my 'cool'.
OK so there's a bit of a crack in it but nothing the icing can't cover
Oh.
